it was never meant to hold me

that body untouched by birth

For a while, I have wanted to write more about my experience of becoming mother, and yet I find the words difficult to grasp. The bigness of this experience is so vast, I cannot contain it with language. And the nuance is so fine, it feels almost too precious to weave with words.

I feel especially immobilized recently by inhabiting the heart of a mother in the face of all that is unfolding in the world right now.

But one thing I know is that I am changed. My body, my heart, my spirit. I am more fierce and more protective, more tender and more patient. I am learning to surrender to what is in ways I’ve always resisted. And I am unfolding, unfurling, and becoming. Motherhood has changed me on so many levels.

While visibly, my body before becoming a mother and after are not all that different, my perspective on my body has shifted drastically. I see it now with such awe and gratitude for the life it held and birthed. I feel more powerful, more capable, and so much more love and tenderness for this body.

My heart too has changed, becoming more patient and more generous. And as I look at the world around us and fear for the future, for all that is to come, I also feel steady - for isn’t it my job to be? I will be steady for my daughter, however the journey ahead of us unfurls.

I will be a trail angel lighting reminders of hope for her wherever the path becomes too dark.

Becoming a mother is the most right and true thing I have ever done. And as I continue shedding layers of my maiden self, and stepping into mother, I find a sense of belonging within myself that is new to me. I am here with myself, as I am here with my daughter.

I wrote this poem late one night, a few months ago. I will leave it for you here in case these words touch you in some way.

---

It was never meant to hold me
that body untouched by birth
that had not yet been torn open by the ferocity of love
that woman who had not yet felt the knife’s edge of new life
and screamed for more
enduring anything to sip from the sweetness
of motherhood

It was never meant to hold me
the urgency of that maiden voyage
a perpetual sense of unworthiness masquerading as bravado
reaching like a drowning man for their approval
that girl who had not yet bathed in the ocean
of milk and tears painted across her breasts past midnight
as she earned her true place in the hours beyond time

It was never meant to hold me
that reflection in the mirror
who turned elsewhere for reassurance
and sought meaning in all the bright places
that child who had not yet felt the roots of fortitude
hold her steady in the darkness
as she pulled herself back above ground

It was never meant to hold me
the collage of scraps that pieced together who I was before
I have outgrown myself
become tethered to a new identity
a body and heart stretched thin and well worn
to make space for all my fullness

This was always meant to hold me:
mother

---