Shitty First Drafts is a newsletter about tender devotion to a well-lived life. I’m so grateful for your presence here!
Pre-S: For the first time in many months I am taking on a few new online therapy clients. If you’re interested in working together in this capacity, you can find out more information here.
Hello dear one,
I’m going to keep it short today, because I don’t have the creative juices to write something long. But I want to offer you this love note. Consider it permission to say “no”, to cancel a thing, to carve out a little more space for you, wherever you need it in your life right now.
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I said “no” to a thing this weekend. I said “no” to a thing that was important to me, that I felt deeply committed to, and that was an inherently good thing to do. And I’m so relieved I did.
Let me back up a little bit.
For the past many months I’ve been doing a herbal mentorship program one weekend a month with two beautiful souls who have a herb farm and clinic here. It has been a wonderful experience. When I have shown up, I have been truly touched by their teachings, by getting to commune with and learn about the plants, and by how I have brought that knowledge home to my own work in the garden. And yet, I have been struggling to show up. This beautiful, good thing in my life is happening in a season that is already too full.
Based on how tired and stretched I’ve been feeling lately, looking forward through the rest of this month and into the next, I knew I needed to say “no” to some things. And not just little things. I needed to find more than just one evening on a weekday after work to carve out for myself. I feel like I need days, even weeks, of time to recover.
Sometimes when that need feels so daunting, so impossible, we just throw our hands up in the air and decide not to do anything about if. If I can’t have my ideal full week off of anything, then why even bother. For once, I pushed back against that narrative, and I decided to be radically honest with myself.
Something had to shift. I had to let go of something. Even if I couldn’t let go of everything, something could give. In the past, that thing has at times been work. But I’m in a season in which work has very little wiggle room. So I had to let go of a thing I wanted to do, a thing I was committed to do. I had to stay home this past weekend and not go to this beautiful, wonderful, inspiring herbal class.
In cancelling this, in skipping out, on something I had committed to, I learned two things:
It is okay to cancel. Nothing bad (beyond my own emotional response) happened. No one was mad at me. In fact, the people I impacted were incredibly kind and understanding. It was safe to not show up.
It can be helpful to say no to something you want to do, to something that in another season might be supportive. It is okay to recognize: right thing, wrong timing.
It is okay to take one step at a time toward getting the rest you need. It is better to find some space, than no space.
Did I feel some disappointment, and even guilt, about not going? Yes of course I did! And it was still the right choice for me.
Am I fully recovered and feeling like all my energy is restored after the weekend off? No. Of course not. But it was a relief to have to show up for nobody but myself this weekend. And it was an indicator to me that having more time to myself right now is something I do need to create space for.
Sometimes we need to say “no” to things that we want. Sometimes we need to let go of good things. Sometimes we need to cancel plans that might, on some level, nourish us, because on another level, they will still deplete us.
So if you’re feeling too full right now, what can you let go of, even if it’s a good thing?
And if you need some support with this, or anything else, and want to work together one-on-one, I’d love to connect. You can find me here.
xo
Kelsey